IN-LAWS: Fend for yourselves!

The future father-in-law asked, “Young man, can you support a family?”

To which the surprised groom-to-be replied, “Of course not. I was planning to support just your daughter … the rest of you will have to fend for yourselves.”

Christianity, Illustrations,
In-laws, Religion

CHILDREN: Out of the mouths of babes and bottles!

A woman was trying to get the catsup out of the bottle when the phone rang. Determined to win the condiment war, she asked her four-year old daughter to answer the phone.

“It's the preacher, Mommy,” the child reported. Then she added back to the phone, “Mommy can't come to the phone right now … she's hitting the bottle.”

Children, Christianity,
Illustrations, Religion

KOINONIA: The fellowship of believers!

A salesman drove his car into a ditch; nearby was a farm where he asked the owner if he had a tractor to get his car back on the road.
“Nope, but I got my mule, Blue.” Replied the farmer.
“I doubt a mule is strong enough to pull it out.”
“You don't know Blue!” The mule's proud owner responded. So Blue was hitched to the vehicle.
“Pull, Blue!” The car didn't move. So the farmer called out, “Pull, Elmer!” It moved a little. The farmer yelled, “Pull, Biscuit,” and the car was free.
“Thank you so much,” said the truck owner. “But I’ve a question. You called your mule by three different names. Why?”
“Simple,” said the farmer. “Blue’s blind. If he thought he was the only one pulling, your car would still be in that ditch tomorrow!”

Christianity, Illustrations,
Fellowship, Religion

CHRISTMAS: OK, I'll hurry just don't push!

"You too be patient; strengthen your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is near."

James 5:8

A young girl, dressed for the children’s Christmas program, was running as fast as she could to get to the church on time. As she ran, she prayed, “Dear Jesus, please don't let me be late! Dear Jesus, please don't let me be late!”.

In her rush she caught her toe on the hem of her costume, tripped and fell. Her shepherd’s costume got quite a nasty grass stain when her knee hit the church lawn. She got up, brushed herself off, and started running again, praying, “Dear Jesus, please don't let me be late! Dear Jesus, please don't let me be late! Only, DON’T PUSH!”

The prayers of children have much to teach us.

"The effective prayer of a [child] can accomplish much."

James 5:16b [my personal translation]

Needless to say, most of the prayers saved in golden bowls in heaven [Revelation 5:8b; 8:3] will be those of kids (the remainder will be from little old ladies).

Christianity, Christmas,
Illustrations, Prayer, Religion

WOMAN: Sex of the battlers!

"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless."

Ephesians 5:25-27

The English professor wrote on the chalkboard: punctuate this word string: “woman-without-her-man-is-nothing”!

Male students wrote: “Woman, without her man, is nothing.”

Female students wrote: “Woman! Without her, man is nothing.”

[Adapted from Coolsigs]

Christianity, Gender,
Illustrations, Religion

HEALING: Good News, Bad News!

"Then they arose early in the morning and worshiped before the LORD, and returned again to their house in Ramah. And Elkanah had relations with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. It came about in due time, after Hannah had conceived, that she gave birth to a son; and she named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I have asked him of the LORD.'"

1 Samuel 1:19-20

A woman went to her doctor’s office for a minor complaint. She was seen by a younger doctor, fresh out of medical school. After about four minutes, the woman burst from the examination room, screaming as she ran down the hall. The head doctor in the practice stopped her and asked what happened … she explained. He sat her down in order to compose herself.

The older doctor marched back to the young doctor and demanded, “What's the matter with you? Mrs. Terry is 63-years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren, and you tell her she’s pregnant?”

The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard, “Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?”

Christianity, Healing,
Illustrations, Religion

COMMITMENT: For Heaven’s Sake!

"One of the scribes came and heard them arguing, and recognizing that He had answered them well, asked Him, 'What commandment is the foremost of all?'"

Mark 12:28

An exasperated mother challenged her mischievous son, “How can you expect to get into heaven acting like this?”

The boy, not hesitating, said, “Well, I think I’ll just run in and out, and in and out, and in and out, and slamming the door until St. Peter at last says, ‘For heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or go out, one or the other.’”

[Edited for publication, submitted to Jokes EveryDay by SSchmu2158; 10/28/99; http://www.jokeseveryday.com.]

Sadly, many seem to think getting into glory is that easy; that somehow the choice after death will be theirs. However, if God –

• drowned all but eight of the world’s residents for their carnality
• confused the language of the whole earth for attempting to reach Him
• turned Lot’s wife to salt for looking back
• loved Jacob but hated Esau over a spurned birthright
• prevented Moses from seeing the Promised Land for what appears on the surface to be a minor infraction
• removed the crown from Saul’s brow for a moment of greed and materialism (a.k.a. disobedience)
• caused Nebuchadnezzar to share the field with the beasts for a season of arrogance
• prepared a great fish to prevent Jonah’s flight from evangelism
• required Isaiah to walk naked for three years as a sign to Israel
• asked John the baptizer to play the fool and lose his head as a result
• and sent His only begotten Son to die for the sins of the world ...
  

I doubt seriously entrance into heaven is going to be a matter of individual choice.

Christianity, Commitment,
Illustrations, Religion

HUMOR: Elephant Feeding!

"But Jesus called them unto him, saying, 'Suffer the little children to come unto me, and forbid them not: for to such belongeth the kingdom of God.'"

Luke 18:16 [ASV]

Three mischievous boys went to the zoo on a school outing. They decided to visit the elephant cage. It wasn’t too long before they were picked up by a zoo security officer for causing trouble.

The deputy hauled them off to zoo central for questioning. The supervisor in charge asked them to give their names and tell him what they were doing at the elephant compound.

The first boy innocently said, “My name's Gary, and I was just throwing peanuts to the elephants.”

The second added, "My name's Larry, and I was just helping Gary throw peanuts to the elephants."

The third boy, looking pale, said, My name's Peter.... but all my friends call me Peanuts.”

Children, Christianity,
Humor, Illustrations, Religion

CONSECRATION: Let’s Get Cirrus!

“Sir, we wish to see Jesus”

John 12:20-21

Freshly graduated from seminary, a minister of a small Texas church in an area suffering from drought, went to visit a farmer-church member one hot afternoon.

Leaning on a fence, they discussed the weather. "Those are serious clouds over there," the old man said, pointing southwest. "Don’t you mean Cirrus? Actually, they're probably Cumulus," the newcomer stated somewhat smugly.

The old man eyed him for a moment, then said, "Yung'un, they's just two kinds of clouds -- them what's serious and them what ain't."

Church folks are like that farmer’s clouds; some’re serious, some ain’t!

[Adapted from "Life In These United States" by All Henager; © 1996; The Reader's Digest Association, Inc., all rights reserved]

Christianity, Illustrations, Religion

Insight

Hole in the Wall [Ezekiel 8:7-9; other topics - Discernment]

Our newspaper reported a hole had been blown in the wall of Police Headquarters; police are said to be looking into it.

[JokesEveryDay; June 24th, 1999]

TEMPTATION - The Devil made me do it!

FAMILY PRAYER CLOSET [1 John 2:15; Television]

A pastor was preaching an impassioned sermon on the evils of television. He said, “It steals away precious time which would be better spent on other things." He advised the congregation to do what he had done. "I put that confounded box of ours in the closet.” He roared with great satisfaction.

To which his wife was heard to mumbled, "And it's really crowded watching movies in there!"

[ Adapted from CLEAN LAFFS - Thursday, November 1, 2001]

HOLD THE SAUCE [Various Scripture; other topics - Sin (Cost of); Righteousness; Pornography; Testimony; Voyeurism; Walk; Witness]

In Chicago, Illinois, health officials are investigating the explosion of two bottles of Col. Johnson’s Thermo-Nuclear barbecue sauce.

According to a report from United Press International, the explosions occurred in people’s kitchens. No one was hurt, but the spicy, hot sauce caused hundreds of dollars in damage to curtains, carpeting and furnishings.

Man continues to play around with dangerous items on a daily basis, not knowing for sure where the next explosion will come from or when it will happen.

Surveys tell us that huge segments of society are involved in Internet pornography; other data reveals the numbers are so large it must cross over the threshold and into the very sanctuaries of the household of God. It is statistically unreasonable to expect otherwise.

The Bible tells us our sins will find us out. The Bible tells us we will pay the price for our iniquities, both in this life and the next. We are to keep ourselves unstained from this world [James 1:27] but it appears that much of the church has been sleeping in a garbage truck.

[Adapted from David Miller, American Family Radio, News Network 1999]